Smile and move on

Ya. Smile and move on.

Let few drops of tears running down like razorblade. Wipe it off. Take a deep breathe. Smile and move on.

Finger crossed for a better tomorrow.

Sometimes, I do want to go back to Wonderland.

Relying on hopeless

Have you ever been in a situation where you feel so helpless nor hopeless.

Such a worst feeling ever.

Today, now, at 4.30am in the Dawn. I am so awaken with all the pure hopeless and helpless feeling.

Perhaps you were fuckig unhappy with me going clubbing with my dearest sister and dearest cousin (and it's not that I did not invite you to join. I DID FUCKING INVITE YOU)

Well... I don't even wanna go into that part.

So we left The club at 2.45am and left ampang at 3am.

I took duke and went into nkve and missed the exit to Subang airport/Kelana jaya.

Then I can't waze my way home because me and my sister' phones were out of data.

So my only way that time was to call you for help (at least guide me home to you).

But instead.... You just asked me to waze and find mine own way back.

And the worst part is, you didn't even FUCKING call me back.

Or maybe I shouldn't come home huh?

The only person that you were relying on, just decided to fucking "un-help" you (when you really need them the most).

The best part was, when I FINALLY reached home, you were sleeping soundly.

Bravo.

You're such a ....... I don't know ....  Just.... Hopeless.

Lonely Realise

You know... I realise when I am happy, I will want to share it with the whole world.
When I am angry, I will want to share with my bestie.
When I am sad, I will want to share it with my babe.
But when I am disappointed and lost, I always keep it to myself.

Which is the worst feeling ever.

I am no longer excited and happy in the current relationship.
It's been 4 years since we've been together.
So many things we've been through and we've supported each other unconditionally.

But this time, I feel like crying when I look at you.
I feel so much hatred when I look at you.
I don't even wanna argue if I disagree on certain thing (which I will usually do because it is important to correct your partner when they are at fault)
I smile all the time because if I start being sad, I will just burst out and cry and get into a huge argument.

I think if you're smart enough to realise I've not been really arguing with you.
I've never really corrected you anymore.

- Car Park: for instant, you are very clear that the next morning I need to leave house very early in the morning, when I ask you where should I park, you have the guts to reply "you like la". Well ok then, I'll park outdoor then and thank you for that.

- Smoking: yes. No comment and will never comment anymore if you realized. I think you're enjoying your moment of me not complaining anymore ya.

- Driving: Hmmmm... Never listen never will.

- Facial Expression: what the hell? Why the hell do you always make your face so tense and "black"? Did I owe the something ? 4 years and getting worst

- Attitude: you will always win because you will not listen.

Can we get through 5 years? I really really really never wanted to be in this sad and down position. But I've been beaten down. I can't breathe.

Crash but Hope

You know when it comes to a point where you close your eyes, everything seems to slow down but when you open back your eyes, suddenly you feel annoyed and like you're in a chaos. Relationship chaos.

I've been feeling that for awhile now.

I've been keeping quiet because, perhaps I am tired? Disappointed?

If you realised, I have not said a thing about your smoking.

If you realised, I have not said a thing about you driving. At least starting to.

If you realised, I already started to not give any suggestions because you will never accept/listen.

and ONE thing that really turn me off every time, YOU COMPLAIN TOO MUCH. OVERLY MUCH.
You can complain on every single little items and matters which constantly pissed me off.

Therefore, I used to gave comments or even raise my voice and from there you told me I complain too much.

Okay fine.

So I close my eyes reminding myself to make sure that I treat others the way I at least hope they will be treating me.

May I complain too much until she can't tahan. Well Cheryl it's time to shut the fuck up.

If even I am not complaining and you're still complaining, then obviously you're just purely a complainer?

and I am right. You really won't stop yourself even if you already know I am unhappy.

Now, I realise I am no longer arguing, I just listen and keep everything in my heart and often cry on my own.

I always told myself, LET YOU WIN! LET YOU WIN! and I smile and give you a kiss back. But you will never know how broken hearted I am.

I am sorry but I am really trying hard.

What should I do?

I don't know where to start, but I am feeling extremely awful recently.

You know it's like you're having crisis. Family crisis.

It actually happened to every member in my family.

How?

Dad - becoming an alcoholic and very bad in remembering everything. Plus he has week kidney, which concerns me more.

Mom - Some fucker in her company that she has work with for more than 10 years decided to sabotage her after 10 years. As a result, my mom decided to resign after so many years of hard work.

Brother - Well, at least he's back from Japan and based in KK now? I'm supposed it's a good thing. However, he really needs to be considerate and not to be so selfish and harsh. I am sorry/

Sister - I am proud of her getting GPA 3.89 for her Diploma studies. I am not going into another matter that she was involved just recently. Anyway, my sister has thing with my mom where they always argue and argue, and argue, and argue. I personally encourage my sister to come over to KL to further her Degree here. At least give it a try without having to say NO so soon, right? Financial? Urgh... now it links to my problem.

Me - I am very fortunate that I found a job that I love so much. Salary wise not very high but still possible to survive (for myself). I have so many things going on in my life that I really don't know where to start. I wanna get another part time singing job. Any recommendation?

I have to get back to work, shall continue ....

To be continue.